


Thor's Sexual Crisis

by kyaticlikestea



Series: Stark Technologies, For All Your Text and E-mail Requirements [5]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Bromance, Crack, Crack Fic, Domestic Avengers, F/M, Ficlet, Friendship, Humor, M/M, Pepper Potts - Freeform, Romance, Texting, bruce doesn't really mind, caps!Thor, crack!fic, friendship fic, homance, maria is a fangirl, natasha is a bamf, pepper loves ryan gosling, text fic, thor is an accidental voyeur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-22
Updated: 2012-06-22
Packaged: 2017-11-08 07:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/440450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyaticlikestea/pseuds/kyaticlikestea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Texts and e-mails from various Avengers characters. </p><p> </p><p>Thor is confused as to how men, erm, copulate. Everyone wants to help him, but no-one wants to talk to him. Pepper just wants to watch Ryan Gosling's cheekbones.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thor's Sexual Crisis

FRIEND TONY, I AM IN NEED OF SOME ASSISTANCE. MAY I MEET YOU AT YOUR TOWER TO DISCUSS THE MATTER?

\- Thor

 

Errm, kind of busy today, big guy. Can we take a rain check?

\- Tony

 

I AM GOD OF LIGHTNING! I HAVE NO NEED FOR RAIN! THE SKY IS MADE FRUITFUL BY MY HAMMER! I SHALL BE ROUND IN SIXTY OF YOUR EARTH MINUTES!

\- Thor

 

Thor, that’s not what I meant.

\- Tony

 

Thor?

\- Tony

 

THOR

\- Tony

 

Well, I’m not getting any this morning.

\- Tony

 

-

 

Steve, please have your phone with you. Please. I will do anything. I will even watch Old Yeller with you.

\- Tony

 

I have it. What’s wrong? It must be something pretty terrible; you hate Old Yeller. You said it made you leak from both ends.

\- Steve

 

Thor’s here, and he’s asking questions. Steve, I have heard things that no man should ever hear. Sex therapists don’t hear things as graphic as this. I’m hiding in a cupboard.

\- Tony

 

Back in the closet?

\- Steve

 

This is a matter of life and death! If he tells me any more about what he and the jolly green giant do between the sheets, I am going to be forced to kill myself, because honestly Steve, no man can live with this knowledge. No man.

\- Tony

 

Or woman. I’m not as sexist as you were in the 1940s.

\- Tony

 

Great way to go about getting me to help you, Tony.

\- Steve

 

I’m sorry. It’s a reflex. Like hitting your knee, only more hilarious and charming.

\- Tony

 

Hmm. I’ll see what I can do. Just stay where you are, OK? And try not to get lost. I know how huge your wardrobe is.

\- Steve

 

It has to be. It’s where I keep all my secrets.

\- Tony

 

-

 

Hi, Thor! How are you today?

\- Steve

 

FRIEND STEVEN! I AM WELL ENOUGH, THANK YOU! THIS IS INDEED A COINCIDENCE; I AM IN YOUR HOME, AND YOU ARE NOT! HO, WHAT A TRICK THIS DAY HAS PLAYED UPON US!

\- Thor

 

Yeah, about that. Tony’s really sorry, but he’s had to pop out for a bit. Duty calls, and all.

\- Steve

 

HE COULD NOT HAVE BID ME FAREWELL HIMSELF?

\- Thor

 

I think it was really urgent.

\- Steve

 

A TEXT, THEN?

\- Thor

 

He must have left his phone. I can’t get hold of him either.

\- Steve

 

THEN HOW DID YOU KNOW HE HAD LEFT?

\- Thor

 

He texted me before he left. Just a really quick text, you know. Can’t have taken more than a few seconds to type.

\- Steve

 

THIS IS TRULY A TRAGEDY. I HAD HOPED FOR HIS ADVICE ON AN URGENT MATTER, BUT IT IS NOT OF IMPORTANCE.

\- Thor

 

I’m sorry, Thor. I know he’d liked to have helped if he could.

\- Steve

 

I WILL ASK ELSEWHERE. IT IS NO MATTER. THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP, FRIEND STEVE.

\- Thor

 

-

 

I feel really guilty now. I’ll be joining you in the closet, if that’s all right.

\- Steve

 

Be my guest.

\- Tony

 

-

 

FRIEND HAWKEYE! IS THIS AN APPROPRIATE TIME TO TALK TO YOU?

\- Thor

 

Always, big man! What can I do you for?

\- Clint

 

YOU SEEM VERY AMENABLE THIS MORNING! I AM GLAD THAT ONE OF US IS HAPPY.

\- Thor

 

Morning sex, man. You ought to try it sometime.

\- Clint

 

Not with me, though.

\- Clint

 

Taken. And not gay.

\- Clint

 

Ahem. Sorry. What did you want?

\- Clint

 

WELL, IT IS IN A SIMILAR VEIN.

\- Thor

 

Thor, man. I’m not comfortable with handjobs, blowjobs or any below waist activities with a dude. Sorry.

\- Clint

 

NOT THAT SIMILAR.

\- Thor

 

Oh. OK. Shoot, then.

\- Clint

 

I AM WORRIED ABOUT THE MECHANICS OF SEXUAL INTERCOURSE BETWEEN TWO MEN.

\- Thor

 

Jesus, beat about the bush, why don’t you?

\- Clint

 

NAY. BRUCE HAS INFORMED ME THAT HE IS NOT INTERESTED IN BEING BEATEN IN THE NAME OF INTERCOURSE.

\- Thor

 

I… really didn’t need to hear that, actually. Wow. OK.

\- Clint

 

ANYWAY, THIS IS MY PROBLEM, FRIEND. ARE YOU ABLE TO ASSIST?

\- Thor

 

What, you want me to tell you how two dudes get it on? How the heck should I know, man? You’re asking the wrong Avenger. Ask Tony. He’s got a lot more experience than I have.

\- Clint

 

I have none, by the way.

\- Clint

 

In case that wasn’t clear.

\- Clint

 

With men. I have lots with women.

\- Clint

 

AS DO I. OH, WHAT A CATASTROPHE. A DEMI GOD SUCH AS MYSELF, UNKNOWLEDGEABLE IN THE WAYS OF THE CHAMBER. IF THE FROST GIANTS HEAR ABOUT THIS, THERE WILL BE MUCH MIRTH.

\- Thor

 

Huh. So you sort of owe it to your realm’s reputation to be good in the sack, yeah?

\- Clint

 

IT COULD BE DESCRIBED THAT WAY, YES.

\- Thor

 

Wow. Sucks to be you, man.

\- Clint

 

NO MATTER. I WILL SEARCH FOR ANSWERS ELSEWHERE. THANK YOU, FRIEND CLINT.

\- Thor

 

No worries. But, uh, don’t mention anything else to me about this, yeah? I’ve seen things in my life that a normal man would probably cry about, and I’m fine with it, but the image of Bruce Banner naked? Oh Jesus, take the wheel.

\- Clint

 

THIS JESUS FIGURE; HE IS ABLE TO DRIVE? HE IS TRULY A WORTHY ADVERSARY.

\- Thor

 

Do your research, Thor. Don’t forget to not let me know how it goes.

\- Clint

 

-

 

Dude, the weirdest freaking thing just happened.

\- Clint

 

If it involves a very shouty Norse bodybuilder with a golden beard, then yeah. Way ahead of you.

\- Tony

 

What the heck do we do? I mean, I feel kind of sorry for the guy, but not enough to sit him on my lap and go through the gay kama sutra with him.

\- Clint

 

I don’t know why your mind went to that place, Barton.

\- Tony

 

Oh, bite me.

\- Clint

 

Steve would have words.

\- Tony

 

Haha.

\- Clint

 

Anyway, what should we do? I really don’t want to have to, y’know, talk to him.

\- Clint

 

Or Bruce. Oh God, no, not Bruce.

\- Clint

 

Maybe he needs a woman’s touch.

\- Tony

 

Tony Stark, are you a closet homophobe? If he wanted a woman’s touch, he wouldn’t have this problem!!

\- Clint

 

Yeah, I bone Steve to hide my queer fear. I just meant that maybe Natasha or Pepper would find it easier.

\- Tony

 

Why the hell would they find it easier to talk to a dude about having sex with a dude?

\- Clint

 

Oh

\- Clint

 

Yeah

\- Clint

 

I see your point, actually.

\- Clint

 

I’ll ask Tasha.

\- Clint

 

And I’ll ask Pep. It’ll be like the girl power movement all over again, only more homoerotic.

\- Tony

 

Because the Spice Girls weren’t homoerotic enough? Sporty was totally fucking Scary.

\- Clint

 

Yeah. OK. Texting Tasha now.

\- Clint

 

Good.

\- Tony

 

-

 

I’m sorry, but I still don’t see why you think I’d have any better luck with this than you would. I don’t exactly have a multitude of experience either, in case you were unaware.

\- Natasha

 

Look, I’m sorry if it’s weirded you out, Tash. I just want to help the dude, you know?

\- Clint

 

Without actually helping him, it seems.

\- Natasha

 

Well, it’s awkward.

\- Clint

 

Why?

\- Natasha

 

Why do you think? I don’t know anything about it! I’d probably get it all wrong, anyway!

\- Clint

 

It’s not that difficult, is it? Really?

\- Natasha

 

Well, you aren’t exactly volunteering.

\- Clint

 

This is ridiculous. We’ve fought aliens and evil megalomaniacs and Beliebers but we can’t muster up the courage to give a grown man The Talk. We aren’t Avengers. We’re wusses.

\- Natasha

 

I’m starting to worry that you might be right.

\- Clint

 

OK. Team meeting. Call Stark.

\- Natasha

 

-

 

 **_To_ ** _: Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Pepper Potts, Maria Hill_

 **_From_ ** _: Natasha Romanoff_

 **_Subject_ ** _: Operation Loveshack_

These are the minutes from today’s team meeting.

13:00: Team arrives, minus Tony.

13:09: Tony Stark arrives, covered in lovebites. Steve Rogers looks guilty. He asks that this be stricken from the record. I offer him a withering stare.

13:10: We move onto the issue at hand. Discussion point; Thor’s sexual difficulties.

13:12: Clint suggests we buy him a porn magazine and ‘leave him to it’. Maria offers to lock him in a SHIELD cell and leave him to it. I agree.

13:15: Tony suggests breaking the meeting to get donuts. Steve is amenable to this.

13:25: Steve and Tony have not returned. Clint goes looking for them.

13:28: Clint returns. He announces that he is now blind. Maria throws a pen at him to test this. He fails.

13:30: Pepper suggests talking to Bruce. Clint wails. Maria agrees with Pepper. I remind Clint that I can kill him in thirteen different ways with a tissue.

13:34: Meeting adjourned.

Productive. Real productive. Thanks, everyone.

 

_**To** : Tony Stark, Steve Rogers_

_**From** : Clint Barton_

_**Subject** : Re: Operation Loveshack_

I’m going to kill you both. Like I haven’t been traumatized enough in my short life. Give me frost giants and mind control any day over you two boning in a FUCKING WARDROBE.

 

_**To** : Natasha Romanoff, Maria Hill_

_**From** : Pepper Potts_

_**Subject** : Re: Operation Loveshack_

Thor is going to remain a half virgin forever, isn’t he?

 

_**To** : Pepper Potts, Natasha Romanoff_

_**From** : Maria Hill_

_**Subject** : Re: Re: Operation Loveshack_

Afraid so. Hey, I’ll take him off Bruce’s hands.

 

_**To** : Pepper Potts, Maria Hill_

_**From** : Natasha Romanoff_

_**Subject** : Re: Re: Re: Operation Loveshack_

None of us are his type. Anyway, I have a plan. It involves ice cream and girl talk. My place. Nine o’clock. You in?

 

_**To** : Natasha Romanoff, Pepper Potts_

_**From** : Maria Hill_

_**Subject** : Re: Re: Re: Re: Operation Loveshack_

UM, YES!! Fury’s had me upgrade my uniform to this stupidly tight catsuit thing. Ice cream gives me a great excuse not to wear it.

 

_**To** : Maria Hill, Natasha Romanoff_

_**From** : Pepper Potts_

_**Subject** : Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Operation Loveshack_

You had me at ‘it’.

 

-

 

Pepper, Pepper, Pepper, oh light of my life. You’re truly wonderful. You’ve lost weight, too. I can tell by your aura, which emanates throughout Earth’s atmosphere.

\- Tony

 

What do you want, Tony?

\- Pepper

 

I’m stuck in a closet.

\- Tony

 

Tell me something I don’t know.

\- Pepper

 

Oh, ha ha. I didn’t hire you for your sparkling wit. I hired you because you look great in a low cut blouse. Now, are you going to help me?

\- Tony

 

Nope. Can’t, sorry. I’m at Tasha’s with Maria and Thor. We’re eating frozen yoghurt, bitching about men and crying over The Notebook.

\- Pepper

 

Who are you and what have you done with Pepper?

\- Tony

 

Ryan Gosling is a beautiful man, Tony.

\- Pepper

 

I’m sure he is, but he isn’t stuck in a wardrobe!

\- Tony

 

Exactly my point.

\- Pepper

 

Pepper, so help me, don’t make me say please.

\- Tony

 

Won’t help anyway. Sorry. Ask Steve to help.

\- Pepper

 

He’s stuck in here too!!

\- Tony

 

Oh, Jesus. Fine. Give me half an hour. You do know that you’re ruining Thor’s one chance at happiness by selfishly asking me to leave, right?

\- Pepper

 

It smells like moth balls in here, Pep. I might get asthma.

\- Tony

 

And I might leave you to it.

\- Pepper

 

-

 

Well.

\- Maria

 

Yes. That was. Something. OK.

\- Pepper

 

Why didn’t I have my camera? I should have brought my camera.

\- Maria

 

You know what? No. You shouldn’t. The image is forever burnt onto my retinas. No camera necessary.

\- Pepper

 

-

 

Sorry, Tasha. Guess your intervention was sort of, erm, thwarted.

\- Maria

 

Yes, it was. The end result was the same though, so I won’t be too upset.

\- Natasha

 

Who knew, right?

\- Maria

 

Well, everyone, actually.

\- Natasha

 

Oh, I don’t mean about Steve and Tony being, you know, together. I mean about Steve being on top! Mindfuck.

\- Maria

 

I never thought about it and never plan to again.

\- Natasha

 

Still, I guess Thor has a good idea of how things work now, right?

\- Maria

 

I suppose so.

\- Natasha

 

Do you still have some of that frozen yoghurt left?

\- Maria

 

Yeah, and we only got halfway through The Notebook.

\- Natasha

 

Ryan Gosling’s cheekbones are far better in the second half.

\- Maria

 

I agree. Go find Pepper. Meet back at mine in half an hour.

\- Natasha

 

I’ll stop off for pastries on the way.

\- Maria

 

And brain bleach.

\- Natasha

 

Never!!

\- Maria

 

-

 

FRIEND TONY! I MUST WARMLY EXTEND MY GRATITUDE TO YOU AND STEVE. YOU DID ME A GREAT SERVICE LAST NIGHT.

\- Thor

 

Funny, I thought it was Steve I was servicing.

\- Tony

 

NAY, STEVE WAS SERVICING YOU! HO, WHAT A JOKE!

\- Thor

 

I APOLOGIZE. BRUCE ASKED ME TO TEXT THAT. I DO NOT GET THE REFERENCE.

\- Thor

 

Bruce is… there? Now? With you?

\- Tony

 

Oh

\- Tony

 

I see. It worked, then?

\- Tony

 

IT MUST BE SAID THAT I AMASSED A GREAT KNOWLEDGE OF MECHANICS LAST NIGHT.

\- Thor

 

I’m thrilled. Please leave me alone now so that I can have sex with my boyfriend without being watched by three screaming fangirls and a screaming fanboy.

\- Tony

 

I SHALL DO THE SAME!

\- Thor

 

I’ve created a monster.

\- Tony

 

-

 

just wattnwd too say thankl yio fro heepling thor ooh thor haaaha!!

\- Bruce

 

My pleasure.

\- Steve

 

noooo my pleasure

\- Bruce

 

-

 

So, Ryan Gosling.

\- Maria

 

Yep. Works wonders, that man.

\- Pepper


End file.
